Another Procrastination Tool

Birthday Girl

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 16:01:56 GMT

Last friday was my bday so I planned a trip to NYC to spend it with four of my best girlfriends. The weekend was great... plenty of shopping, eating, and drinking. No boys anywhere though. I am convinced the girl/boy ratio is no better in NYC than in Chapel Hill. Plus the girls are just as beautiful... if not more beautiful. Models and all. True to NYC I returned with five new blisters on my feet... I bought two new pairs of shoes on the trip. V. girly suede shoes... one pink ballet slipper w/ kitten heel and one tan loafer both with bows. Love them. I felt v. SJP with the new shoes even though they weren't stilettos.

As for boys... Lance did call me both the night before my bday and the night of. V. cute. But then when I called him Sunday he was his usual uninterested in me phone talker. He asked me how the big 2-9 was!! OK not that old yet! And he said "did I tell you about the concert I went to last week???" Uh... yeah... you called me right after... "I did?" So he's forgetting my age and when we talked... not a good sign :(

The ex never emailed or called... and Sunday was his bday so he got the same treatment. Then last night Greggers took me to 411 for a nice bday dinner. It was v. sweet. Part of me is like... we get along so well... we never run out of things to talk about... but I just am never thinking I want to kiss him. Anyway he mentioned that he saw Jeff (the ex) and EMILY at TOTH on saturday night. EMILY! That's her name... this is his third emily. I point this out to Greg and he says... well Graham married his third Lisa. How is that helping??? I'm pissed... I failed to report earlier when I met the ex for drinks that he kissed me... not some innocent kiss. Full-fledged lip lock. Piece of sh*t. I played it cool. And extracted myself while he was saying how amazing it felt to kiss me... whatever. Now I desperately want Lance back here... I need a boy toy!

I have some more perfect lyrics to share from Dido... these are for the ex...

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at yours
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Cos' I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see you when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time
and I'll be on my way, and I won't be back
cos I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
your just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back

Here's to hoping that there are no other J&E sightings in the near future. I need to get the hell out of this town!

Lyrics

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 18:09:20 GMT

I've always associated certain songs with certain times in my life. For example, Uncle Tupelo and Wilco always remind me of my first boyfriend. I love listening to their stuff but it's taken me seven years to try to disassociate it from him. A year ago I went to a Lucinda Williams concert with a guy I liked a lot and then I couldn't listen to her CD for a few months because I was still disappointed that that thing never got off the ground. Now I think I've ruined the Garden State CD for myself... Lance and I listened to it a lot over the past two weeks. Even when he wasn't there I was listening to it and feeling really happy. Now I'm bummed and listening to it only reminds me that I was happier ... it's more than that even ... the songs put me right back there on the couch with him and then I feel sad.

Yesterday I was driving home from dinner at Pizzeria Uno with Jen and heard a new Dido song on the radio... it was perfect. I have to copy the perfect lyrics here:

Two weeks away it feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same...

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but
I wanna see you again...

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
Should run a bath and then clear up the mess I made before I left here
Try to remind myself that I was happy here...

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change and turn me around I've
fallen
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see you again

I wanted to call him and play it for him... but since I hadn't heard anything from him all day and plus I am trying not to be too girly I refrained. There's also a great song on there called "See You When You're 40". It's the perfect song for the ex! It's going to be very hard to not run out and buy the CD tonight.

If you are wondering why I've changed back to missing Lance... it was due to two cute emails on Monday... that's all! Wish I wasn't sooo easily effected.

An Apology

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 16:07:27 GMT

I just got an email from him that starts right off by saying...
"Didn’t mean to piss you off last night. Hope you aren’t upset about all of that political/medical propaganda I was throwing your way."

Is that an apology?? Guess he sorta knows that he was being a dick. I was liking my resolve to not care so much about him. Almost wish I didn't get that email so I could go back to being generally irritated with his phone demeanor. :)

The Call

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 15:51:56 GMT

So last night Lance did call on his drive between Peoria and Chicago. We talked for a long time. His phone personality isn't nearly as cute. Or at least it wasn't last night. We argued about politics. Really he just told me what he thought of all the lazy poor americans who rely on the government for handouts. Of course I argued that we were more privileged than most... but to no avail. To top that conversation off, he said that he can't stand people who don't take responsibility for choices they've made... for example he said he would most likely end up divorced but that he sure as hell wouldn't be blaming his parents who have been married 7 times between the two of them. ??? I compared that to kids of drug dealers who end up dealing drugs b/c it's all they know. Nice! My head is telling me this is so not worth any more mental/emotional energy.

Apart from that he just wasn't sweet... he didn't ask me about my weekend or my week ahead. He mostly just talked about himself. He listens when I talk about my stuff... but still not asking is kinda huge. It's weird because he's actually pretty sweet in person... at least with the physical affection. Plus he's the best kisser. V. unfortunate that the phone conversation wasn't better. I was pretty disappointed when I hung up... he said he'd call later in the week. I am coming around to the fact that it was just a two week fling and I'll find someone more appropriate eventually.

Saying Goodbye

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 19:54:31 GMT

Well I didn't get to see the BB on Thursday... we just played phone tag. Then Friday he emailed and called. After some down time at the driving range, he came over, changed, and we headed out to Franklin to meet Emily and his friend Pi. He was being pretty cute with me... kissing me on the street corner, kinda cute. Rubbing my leg under the table too. The night went pretty well except once when he saw some girl from the hospital and had to point her out and flirt a little. Pretty irritating... and if he were staying around I would be seeing that as a bad sign. Also the strap on my brand new shirt from Banana broke which luckily was only mildly irritating since it was already almost 1am...

Getting back to my house... he came upstairs to get his stuff and ended up just spending the night. Not much happened b/c he pretty much passed out after being awake for the last 24 hours...
In the morning there was some good cuddling and laying around in bed. I asked if he was really leaving ... after more cuddling and hugging and kissing he left. I didn't want to bring up any emotional stuff... wasn't going to be that girl. He left me saying "you're gonna call me, right?". And then "I'll see you later." ???

After the door was shut and I realized that that little two week fun fest was over ... I started crying. Crying! I've been in a funk now for a whole day. I called him yesterday to see if he was making good time driving home. We chatted briefly and then he said he'd call me later....
it wasn't a bad conversation but what I really wanted to say was "I miss you already."! Again I didn't say anything at all needy. Hoping he's really going to call me soon... otherwise I might have to read "He's Just Not That Into You" after all.

Tonight I'm gonna make dinner for my friend Liz. Hopefully that's all I need to cheer me up and distract me...

Sitting By The Phone

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 18:33:37 GMT

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day outside... not a cloud in the sky. I keep thinking that I want to do something fun away from this cube. Part of it is that BB was on call last night so I didn't get to see him and he didn't call. And tonight I have girl's dinner at Emily's. So we are on for tomorrow night but I was hoping he'd call this afternoon when he got off. Then I could suggest we hang out before dinner. Oh well... looks like that isn't in the cards. :(

Another thing is that everyone is talking about this book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's a self-help book about dating... about how girls are always making excuses for guys not calling. Well I'm not one to make excuses for guys but I still get my feelings hurt when I'm being rejected. Who doesn't? I'm not the girl that calls the guy when he doesn't call her... but I still feel sorry for myself when he stops calling.

On that note... the ex IMed me last night. I hadn't been on IM for a long time... 9 days to be exact. He pops up to say hey. That's all and then he says he is tired and going to bed. Total BS. It's like 10pm and he's not doing a rotation or even studying for boards (took those last week). So technically he's on vacation... and therefore "just not that into me". I'm well aware of that... but he's being a shit. Only two weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to cry to me... that I am like family to him. What a manipulator. I hope that Lance and I go out tomorrow night and run into him. I say that but I'm not serious... that would SUCK. Especially since he'd probably be with the gf. I just can't manage to not feel angry with him these days. I know my anger is wasted but oh well. Then there is the guy I dated this spring who keeps sending me mass emails about a party at his house tomorrow. It's getting super irritating! I'm just not into him at all!! He should read the book.

Birthday Boy

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 16:40:57 GMT

On my way home yesterday I stopped and bought him a CD... Pete Yorn. He loved it. We listened to the whole CD in the car last night. I also got new jeans so I was feeling super cute. Dinner w/ Em was fun as always. The BB kept us laughing the whole time. He's definitely a total jokester... and I'm beginning to wonder if he's ever serious. Then we headed out to meet his friend at the bar. In the car there was some GOOD kissing on the way there. And at the bar he was pretty touchy feely... hand holding... leg rubbing... all good in my book. On the way home he made sure I could hang out with him on Friday night... to celebrate the end of this rotation. I asked if he was leaving Saturday... he said he hasn't decided yet. Not sure what to think of that. Some more major kissing in the car. He said I should come spend the night at the hippie's place soon...

This morning he'd already emailed me at work... to see if I was feeling ok after the gross beer we drank last night. I like him... younger, politically opposite, and all. Comment of the evening came from his friend though... congratulating me for "bucking the trend" and not being married since I'm over 24 and live in NC. Like my singledom is a statement I'm making???

Sad that I don't get to see him for probably the next two nights :(

Mixed Messages

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 18:55:55 GMT

Yesterday Mr. GW called in the mid afternoon saying that was going home to nap and that he definitely wanted to do something later... such a cuttie! Just a few minutes after 5:30 he calls and we make a plan to go see Garden State (my suggestion even though I've already seen it). BTW... it's the best movie I've seen this year. As I've mentioned before I'm completely in love with Zach Braff... John Cusack is going to have to move over. ZB is brilliant... wrote, directed, and starred in GS. Plus the soundtrack is awesome... I've been listening to it over and over. Anyway the movie went over pretty well... it's super funny. But I completely spaced that the plot is part romance... Braff and Natalie Portman meet and then he has to go back to LA in four days. Ugh! All tears and I love yous and you've changed my lifes at the end... hopefully Mr. GW didn't think I was trying to tell him something. I was sitting there feeling soooo uncomfortable through that part. Afterwords we stopped and shared a burrito at my fav carborro mex place. And ran to walmart to get contact lense stuff for him. All the time in the car he has his hand on my leg... which I love!! V. adorable. But when he goes to drop me off again no walk up to the door... and I had to wait at least 15 minutes in car for him to kiss me... I was starting to think he didn't want to kiss me! At all! Talk about confusing ... usually hand on leg comes way after kissing... what the hell? Not that I want him to remove his hand just that I want some real kissing soon! The kiss was good this time though.

Now I have tonight's dilemma ... it's his bday! And I've been saying for like a week... so what are we gonna do on your bday? Realizing that he only has one other friend in this town and assuming that Emily would go out... now Em's bailing due to a test and paper. And I'm gonna to be third wheel... or his friend is. I feel bad b/c he hasn't spent anytime with his friend (not my fault though... the guys been studying up a storm). What do I do? And do I get him a bday present? If so it's going to be a CD... either one I burn (if I can figure that out since I just got a new hard drive this morning) or a new copy. Help!

The Formula

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 15:45:45 GMT

So things have been getting interesting boywise in the last week... after bbq last week Mr. GW went to dinner with a bunch of us on wednesday night too. Things just worked out that he picked me up for dinner and then asked if I wanted to grab a drink with him afterwards... he was sooo funny most of the night. And at the end I got a little innocent kiss in the car. The next night Andres called and said he wanted to bring over frozen yogurt. Instead I suggested a drink out somewhere. It was fine... he's not nearly as funny and tons more serious... Plus nine years older than Lance. He does do the nice things like open car doors and walk me to the door... although I was not feeling the chemistry. In addition he has a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker. Older and politically appropriate for me but no good laughs :( Both boys called me on Friday to make sure I got off to DC ok... so cute! Mr. GW is MUCH easier to talk to on the phone, though, so more points there.

Then last night after I got home Mr. GW came over and we had pizza and beers. We laughed tons more and we listened to all my current favorite CDs. Of course we had the Emmy's on in the background... and bravely we chatted about politics. Not too bad... he listens to NPR and likes the Clintons. He's not as a big a Republican as he says. Another little innocent kiss though... leaving me wanting something more... hopefully he'll call tonight :) And I'm thinking Andres is losing this race. I'm all nerves and excitement this morning... which is a fun feeling. Little bit worried b/c he's leaving Friday or Saturday to go back to Chicago though :(

Seesawing

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 15:45:47 GMT

My heart and head are all over the place this morning. Last night Emily, Mr. GW, and I all went out for bbq. It was tons of fun! That kid is hilarious. If it wasn't for his politics I would seriously be head over heels. He's adorable... tells the greatest stories. I am questioning how I can be sooo attracted to a right wing conservative. Last night though we totally avoided heavy discussions... much better! It's scary how much I flip-flop! Tonight we are all supposed to go to Trivia night at a local bar but Em called to say she thought we should do something a little more low-key. I'm all over that b/c GW has call tomorrow and can't stay out too late tonight ;) Plus I'm getting my hair done at 3:30 so I'll be raring to go at 6ish.

On another note... Andres wanted to know if I'd be around this weekend... too bad for him I'm off to DC to visit Dana. Can't wait for girls weekend in the capital!

Reality Check

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 17:50:31 GMT

So awhile ago I got tipped off to a really interesting blog by my ex... he heard about it on NPR. It's an Army Infantry guy in Iraq. He seems super honest about his experience... not politically charged really. Of course some of that comes out in the comments etc. But check it out ... http://cbftw.blogspot.com

His posts make me feel v. shallow considering what I write about...

Anyway I still want to describe the weekend developments. Saturday night a bunch of people went out for Emily's birthday. About halfway through the evening, one of Em's friends shows up with a friend from college. Immediately I looked at the guy and thought... "wow, what a cutie". He was tall and a bit goofy looking with a pretty good smile. Plus he was smiling at me! Just me! I caught him looking at me a couple more times... so I grabbed Emily and went in for more drinks. I was sooo excited, saying stupid stuff like "that's the guy I'm gonna marry". Totally insane. I had a big buzz going and here this cutie was looking at me! So we get outside and I walk over to him... we hit it off immediately. Turns out he goes to Med School at UIC where I turned down a job last year. Plus he's from Jerseyville, IL... across the river from STL. Big Cardinals and Rams fan. Tons of conversation topics... he is in town doing a SUB-I at UNC hospitals in ORTHO... which I totally could follow thanks to all my med school friends! So we had an awesome night and stayed out until 3am. He got my number and said he'd call soon...

So Sunday he calls and we chat for an hour about how he's going to London for Thanksgiving and Thailand after graduation... I tell him about what I'm going research in... he talks about research he did... it's all going so well. Then he asks me to dinner and we decide to go get Mexican in an hour...

He picks me up and yeah ... I was drunk before b/c I'm not quite as smitten when I open the door but there had to be a little let down considering I was dancing around the house not an hour before... dinner is going pretty well until he tells me that "he's a avid George Bush supporter". ??? Out of the blue kinda... in context of telling me that his bro is going to Iraq in December. I say nothing... he's not asking my opinion. Although I do say... "I'm sorry your brother got called up out of the reserves... sucks he has to leave him family, etc". He says "I'm not worried... nothing bad ever happens to me". ??? Who says that??? Completely arrogant comment if you ask me. Then he proceeds to tell me about how his mom has been married 4 times and his dad 3 times... his mom is a biker chick.... yes and everyone in the entire family has there own motorcycle. P. disturbing to me. I totally unload all my family crap... mostly about my brother's problems... restraining order, violent outbreak, etc. Thinking that at this point he can't possibly be judging me and that I don't care if he isn't interested anymore. On the drive home we chat about death (v. light stuff!) and I'm feeling a little tipsy again (this time from margaritas)... so I don't totally run from the car like I should of...

Sure enough yesterday he calls and wants to do something... I wait 3 hours to call him back. Then he asks me what I'm doing tonight... I'm not quick enough to think of anything so it seems I might be stuck having dinner with him again. During last night's conversation he says "I'm a big GW fan". Again I don't take him on. I don't know what's wrong with me... but it isn't like he's asking me what I think. He's just announcing it in the middle of a story about his "hippie" roommates who have John Kerry bumper stickers. I'm getting offended. My plan for tonight is to tell him that Emily wants bbq and ask it he'd mind if we all went out for dinner... maybe then he'll understand.

The lesson I keep learning over and over is not to jump two feet in to anything... it's just that that's what I want... to feel an immediate connection. So maybe I invent one that isn't there.

Lunch Date?

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 16:30:50 GMT

This week things have been slow even though the Labor Day holiday helped. My laptop has been making weird "I'm gonna die" noises but nothing yet. Except tuesday it kept saying "operating system not found". V. scary but so far yesterday and today so good. Plus I solved what I thought was a disaster with my method but turned out to be my own stupid programming error. And I lost a week on it! It is a relief to know that it was human error not statistical error... I'm a dork :)

In boy drama land... I had lunch with Andres on Monday. I thought it went really well. No lulls in the conversation. Plus he looked cute... normal clothes. :) Saturday night though I saw him out and he wasn't chatty and he wore v. bad sandals. So the verdict is still out. Some cute emailing about politics and movies (two things I have lots to say about)... but that seems to have stopped. Not really sure if he's into me...

No word from the ex. I wasn't on IM for five nights last week. V. proud of myself. We were both on last night but nothing. He might be hurt that I haven't asked him how boards went. But really I shouldn't be encouraging conversation or being too sweet... plus there's always the gf issue to consider.

The Scene

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 16:41:48 GMT

So last night my dinner for Emily and Jen turned out awesome. I made roasted tomatoes from the Farmer's Market with shrimp and feta. It was fantastic... I served it with warm crusty bread as the recipe instructed but it would have been great on pasta. Plus I made an apple salad since it's september already. And homemade chocolate chip cookies with ice cream. It was relatively easy and very rewarding.

After dinner I convinced Emily to go uptown and Becky joined us. Fun night because the bar was packed. I spent quite awhile talking to Andres (friend of friends from b-school two years ago). I thought he seemed interested but I'm not sure what I think... felt bad for talking to him more than to E & B, especially since that's the first time they had met. His clothes were a bit outdated and he seemed too serious at times. But I barely know him. In addition I saw texas boy there and he definitely saw me this time. He acknowledged me with a raise of the eyebrows and I made a similar face and just turned around. Implying that I didn't want to talk to him. I felt sudden stomach pains when I saw him so clearly I'm not up for chatty casual conversation yet. The girlfriend wasn't with him but he was then immediately on his cell so who knows...

The Dog Dilemma

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 16:16:59 GMT

Not much has happened in the last week. Other than a great visit with my sister things have been quiet. She did try to talk me into getting a dog. We visited three different shelters and I just couldn't find the perfect dog for me... it's like trying to find a boyfriend. You want one that's cute, smart, easy-going, and adoring. The only difference is I'm looking for a dog that won't get too big for my apartment... with men the taller the better. I think I might just have such high expectations that no dog is ever going to be good enough. The main draw is that I just really would like something/someone to come home to... I want to be needed by something even if it's just a dog. We'll see... I might leave early today and just stop by the shelter one more time.

As far as things with the ex go... he's been IMing alot and he called once. But none of it seems to be going anywhere and I'm pretty convinced that he's just using me to fill a void in his life right now. I'm trying pretty hard not to be irritated or confrontational. And to continue to ignore the girlfriend situation. But the whole thing just isn't making me very happy. Rather I think it's sucking something out of me... so for the last two nights I've stayed off the computer. And tonight I am making dinner for Jen and Emily so I shouldn't have too much trouble being unavailable.

And then there's my method for the dissertation... it seems that every time I figure something out new problems arise. Nothing is right. I'm frustrated and I'll definitely be here till May. At times I get pissed thinking how most of my friends get one paper in the literature from their dissertation... I already have one and I'm no where near done. Things for the second just keep blowing up on me. I want to cry and scream. Just another reason I need a furry friend.

Being Brave

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 19:00:24 GMT

Last friday I did something a bit risky... I met the ex for a drink. After about two more weeks of him asking... I gave in. We met at Lantern (this v. funky intimate bar) at 9:30pm. I of course had to go shopping for a cute new top so that I'd feel v. confident. So I was wearing my favorite jeans, a black wrap tee-shirt from the gap, and heels. I looked pretty good... plus my skin was miraculously clear. I promised myself that the message I wanted to send was "i'm fine, i'm looking awesome, and i'm happy"... so to that effect i decided not to ever bring up his girlfriend situation. And even to deflect comments that would possibly lead to such discussions. He told me how great I looked and how nervous he was (which was pretty evident to me). Mostly the conversation stayed light. At one point he told me how his extended family thinks I'm the greatest girl and how he knows they are right. I couldn't help but wonder if they'd met the gf. But I was good and didn't wander into that discussion. When he walked me to my car, I kept things happy even though he was acting kinda intense. I said "whatever will be will be" and that I'd be thinking of him while he gets ready to take boards either this week or next. I even managed to stay off the computer for the next 48 hours... last night I got on and he IMed. V. short and just chatty. I guess a bit irritating in it's light tone. Oh well he's clearly still got stuff to figure out. And for once in my life I saw him and felt some distance... not that I don't still love him tons but just that I'm not invested in him right now. And that I'm actually ok without him. Yay!

Turning heads

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 16:24:27 GMT

So the Texas boy mystery has been solved. He has a girlfriend! Last night after bookclub Greg called to ask if I wanted to go to He's Not (a popular tuesday night bar). There I saw Texas boy right away... we moved to be out of his line of vision. Then he moved back into our line of vision... this time with the girl. So for the next hour I had to try not to watch him kiss her, hug her, rub her neck, etc. During all this she was reciprocating by putting her hands in his pant pockets and constantly grabbing him. It was really a puke worthy performance. Plus she was very young, little, and cute. Depressing... I'm pretty sure he saw me but it wasn't as if Greg and I were putting on such a performance. Instead Greg was flirting with some 21 year old... also little and cute with an amazing body. But possibly the world's worst laugh. Now he's really excited about two youngins. I kinda freaked last night to him about the whole boy situation... the whole night was really crappy. I've got to get out of this town!

No other news... something nice did happen last weekend. On my drive up to Richmond, a guy in front of me paid my toll. The woman in the toll booth said "Honey, he paid for you just for being beautiful". That made me happy all weekend long :) I might not be young and little but at least I can still turn heads on the highway! Didn't see him... guess he could've been 60.

Baggage

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 19:18:03 GMT

Oh no... so the ex and I have been IMing all afternoon. We started talking about families which is one of our major bonding points. Both of us lost parents when we were young... my dad died when I was 10 and his mom died when he was 12. And our parents both remarried people named Tommy/Tommi. We both have sisters from the new marriages. Anyway a lot has happened in both our families this year... in mine my dad's parents both died and my brother had a mental breakdown. I told the ex this awhile ago but then somehow it came up today and ugh... three hours later we are still talking about it.

Nothing novel... but still I feel raw. Tonight might be one of those good cry nights. How he at once totally understands everything I say and feel... but yet is really selfish and is only there when he wants to be. When he's there it's like he gets things better than anybody but when he's gone he just vanishes... That's always the problem. Is being there in that very human capacity only some of the time enough? Some people are there all the time but don't really get you... like ervance or mr. religous ex. They didn't get me. Said they loved me but really they only loved who they thought I was... not me. Can I really find someone who is so real and truly there... at the same moment. And then for all of enternity...

Murderous Thoughts

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 16:17:54 GMT

So this morning I got an email from a guy in ervance's department. Completely out of the blue... although I did run into him a few weeks ago out and we had lots of fun chatting. He's super nice but I wouldn't say my type... anyway the email was really sweet so I replied saying I'd meet him for drinks sometime. No other boy saga... both the ex and the Texan have completely disappeared. Just reconfirms that the ex is using me when he's feeling needy and nothing more. Depressing.

Last night I went to my favorite coffee shop with a long lost friend from elementary school who moved here recently. Then I came home and started my new book club book... Bitter Blood. A true crime. Very disturbing already. I spent at least an hour trying to get all the murder out of my head so I could fall asleep. I don't know how I'm going to finish the 570 page book before next tuesday and manage not to become an insomniac.

Moody Boys

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 19:14:17 GMT

So after many IMs from the ex... some late Sunday night and then more yesterday morning... I bit the bullet and just said "do you want to meet for a drink tonight?". He said had tentative plans and that he'd get back to me. Nearly 12 hours later... he pops up on IM all chatty again. Barely mentions anything about meeting up. Only says he's worried if we get together he'll be in a bad mood. Can you believe it? On one hand I'm very pissed! I put myself out there (after much begging on his part) and that's all I get??? No mention of rescheduling. Nothing. No IMs today. And still nothing from Texas boy. Guess the texan doesn't want to fill me in on his drama.

On a work/school note... I found out the Boston job is still considering me. They sent an email this morning checking on my dissertation progress! V. scary. Said for me to get back to them when I'm close to finishing. I've been trying to work diligently since I got the email but I'm already losing my drive.

Back To Reality

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 16:57:04 GMT

So I've returned from my family vacation somewhat rested and relaxed. Read two very good books while away... Middlesex and Me Talk Pretty One Day. I recommend both although if you are looking for laugh out loud funny pick the second one. Otherwise I just ate a lot of blueberry cobbler and cheesecake and didn't go running once. Or check my email or my cell phone. It was v. nice not to worry about school or boys for awhile. To be away from that race of life.

Since I've been back my ex has IMed a lot (5 times). Still wants to see me. I guess I'm coming around to the idea. Not sure if it will do either one of us any good. When I'm being negative (or just clearly thinking) I recognize that he is in a lonely stressful phase of his life right now and he's just remembering how comforting I've been to him in the past. I was always there for him. It was like we were married... the two years since we broke up have been mostly fun for him but now he has to bite the bullet and apply to residency programs (he's in med school) and take boards. So he's probably just freaking out and wanting someone there to take care of him. Not that he even wants me back (he and the girl he's dated for the last year and a half are on a break) ... he probably just wants to know that I'm there for him. What to do? I'm curious to see him and see what it's like... but know that I really can't imagine a scenario that will make us both happy. I am happy IMing him... it's easy and safe. Can say whatever I want. We laugh. And we're supportive of each other. But that might be all I'm capable of. So far I've agreed to meet him for a drink this week but no specific night has been set. Might have to come up with an excuse if I'm not up to it. Most of my friends would think it's a bad idea... a few think that we can't just IM forever (the IMs are somewhat flirty).

Also Texas boy called once... I waited a day to email him back. Then he emailed me back saying "some drama has come into his life necessitating that he leave town" and that "he'll have to fill me in when he gets back". What?? V. Mysterious. Almost irritatingly so. To me it sounds like it has to do with a girl hence why he's soooo vague. No word from him yet and that was almost four days ago. I figure he's just trying to be a good guy and not totally disappear... probably doesn't want things to be weird. But things are always weird after you date someone, albeit briefly, and then stop.

Mixed in with all this boy stuff is religion and babies... went to a baby shower for one of my friends saturday. Crazy four of my friends are pregnant this year... most of them are younger than me. I feel a bit disconnected since I'm not even dating anyone seriously... that seems so far away for me. Not to mention the few others that are trying to get pregnant. I actually was telling the ex about the shower since he was friends with the couple back when we were together... he was quite chatty about it... and said "babies are fun"... what??? Last we talked about such things he was saying he didn't think he'd ever get married.

The religious concerns are kinda low key but the whole texas boy thing stirred up those issues. And the ex was an atheist... me I'm agnostic. Also shel came to see me this weekend and she's exploring her faith right now which led to some interesting discussions... although i'm still as confused as ever. Maybe I'll reread Traveling Mercies or try Mere Christianity again.

Above and beyond all these life things... I have to concentrate on the dissertation. It's AUGUST!! I'm never ever going to finish at this rate... If anyone is reading leave me a comment!

Being Petty

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 15:51:48 GMT

I'm actually have a productive morning... solving programing errors before noon :) The weekend was pretty uneventful. No word from hottie Texas boy. Guess I really need to get over that. I composed an email last week to send to him... but mom advised me that sending it would be very unwise. The email was short and sweet and only said a couple sentences along the lines of ...

I realize I was insensitive about religion. I think religion is a personal thing and wouldn't want you to ever think I was judging you for it.

But mom pointed out that I shouldn't be complaining or explaining anything to him only a week into something. So it's fizzled and I'm going to have to ignore the fact that I lent him two CDs... and learn not to exchange property within the first month at least. Always try to take some lesson away... oh and don't knock religious zealots before you realize you're dating one.

Saturday night I went out with Becky a girl that Greg used to date. It was her birthday. At the bars I got hit on by some guy who probably smoked 10 cigarettes while talking to me, wore jeans that were way way too short, and has spent the last five years being an administrative assistant. Plus just looked really goofy overall. Am I shallow? Do I judge people harshly over really petty things? The thing is he didn't get the picture that I wasn't interested. He asked me to dinner some night this week... I said well this week is bad, I'm leaving town tuesday. He then proceeded to ask about Monday night... I have plans. Then Sunday night. Good lord... he would not take no for an answer. So he found me in the campus directory and called me last night. Luckily I was out! Do I have to call him back???? Ugh. Being pursued by the wrong guy is almost worse than being not pursued at all... I'll have to update that theory when I'm in a complete dry spell.

Also ervance emailed me last week... wanting to see a summer movie together. I deflected that too by saying I'm leaving town. Wish I could meet quality guy who I'm not embarrassed to be seen with! I saw three guys from Duke on Saturday night and I knew one of them through the ervance connection... when that came up the other two guys looked totally shocked... one even said "You dated Vance???" V. embarrassing moment.

No other news... I'm off to Michigan tomorrow to spend 8 days with the family. Should be ok... good girl time with mom and sis for the first four days. Then crazy house full of cousins etc the last four days. Hopefully I'll have time for updates... but probably won't have anything to report.

Long Hot Summer Days

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 19:54:44 GMT

So much for back shortly... but I'll try to give the recap anyway. By late May the whole ervance thing had grown very tired. For starters I couldn't take his theories anymore. I should have known when early on he suggested going to hear a lecture about mediums at the local institute of psychic phenomenon. First of all... I had no idea what mediums are (they are people who contact dead people) and the institute was loosely affliated with Duke University. So I thought... couldn't be that crazy, right? Wrong! Plus ervance had never really experienced the loss of a loved one so the whole thing was a bit insensitive from my point of view (been to 3 family funerals in the last six months). Needless to say I had a couple nightmares after that. And that was only the beginning of his quirks. But he was cute and definitely went out of his way to do nice things for me. Like order me cheese curds from Wisconsin after I mentioned that cheese was my favorite food. So I kept him around ... albeit reluctantly. Plus he was super camping boyfriend and I'm kinda into that these days... the manly adventurous thing is a turn-on.

Well... in addition to ervance getting odder and odder... I was contacted by the ex! The one who broke my heart... I think I mentioned him in an earlier post. Not the catholic one. The one before that... we spent five years together before I finally figured out that he was never going to really commit. Mostly I guess I was tried of watching everyone else get married and deflecting all the questions about when he was going to propose. It made me resent him b/c I thought I was being taken for granted. Anyway... he found me on IM which is very random b/c neither of us had IM two years ago. So multiple IM's have been exchanged. It was pretty clear that his motivation was seeing me again... reconnecting. He lives only 10 minutes away... and luckily we've been able to escape running into each other for 1 and 1/2 years now! (Keep fingers crossed that that trend continues). But the major problem is that he has been dating the same girl for the last 18 months. The IM's went from casual and friendly... to completely unloading on each other... to just truly out there. On sunday he spent quite a bit of time... telling me about his problems with the girlfriend. Things I really wish he hadn't said. Things that make her look bad and make me question his judgment for staying with her. What I took away was that she has no real friends and is paranoid that he is sleeping with any of her pseudo-friends. V. scary.

In other developments I moved into the same complex as my ex's old roommate... who was pretty much my best guy friend the whole five years we dated. We've been spending tons of time together lately. Both of us are currently single. We talk on the phone often and get dinner together lots. He screens the guys I'm interested in... and occasionally I do the same for him. Never had such a good guy friend... I'm loving it and thinking it's going to suck when he doesn't need me for girl advice. He tells me that my ex has changed a lot in the last year and that if the girl is crazy... he drove her to it. I guess I need to hear such things.

Last bit of boy juiciness... two weeks ago I met a really super sweet hot smart boy (three and a half years younger than me) out at the bars. We had lots of fun together the following week.... drive-in movie, frozen yogurt outing, laying by the pool, and some making out. But things seem to have cooled off... I think it's because I made some disparaging remarks about my religious-ex... turns out hottie Texas boy is quite religious. Never actually had a discussion about his beliefs or mine... I just acted uninterested about it and insensitive. Who knows really why he cooled off but I have to admit I had to come up with some explanation. Getting rejected for not being religious enough is starting to burn. I might find myself in church soon. Or moving out of the south.

Emailed Back

Tue, 04 May 2004 19:01:52 GMT

So I just wasted some time trying to find the email I sent ervance (Eric's screenname). No luck b/c it was sent anonymously from match.com... But I did find his response... btw I wrote to him and put Re: No 1. vs. No. 17 for Duke vs. UNC (our respective schools). Plus his profile had said he was attracted to women with good singing voices so I wrote that I don't have a voice that melts hearts... but I do have other charms. Here's the intriguing email:

Subject: No. 1 (with good reason)

Hi Emily,

I think you look a little familiar, but I'm quite sure I've never met you. It's possible I've seen you around Franklin Street or UNC Biostats. Recently I've been playing with theories spawning from the assumption that there is information transfer across time (I call it the "bidirectionality of time"). What if some of the good decisions we made in the past were due to advice we gave ourselves from the future? What if someone looked familiar not because we'd seen them in the past, but because we've seen them in the future? Alright, nevermind. Maybe I'll write a screenplay.

Are you going to the game tomorrow (Thurs)? Do you think you have a chance? I suppose it's always tough to play Carolina. It's going to be a great game. I go to most of the Duke basketball games. Last year I camped out before the Carolina game just to get better seats.

Are you from North Carolina originally? What brought you to UNC? I grew up in California. This is my second year in the stat Ph.D. program. So far so good, but I'm going to have to get smarter to be able to finish. I took five years off between undergrad and grad, and I still haven't really made the adjustment back to being a student.

What do you have against yellow mustard? Did it make you sick once, or have you always disliked it? The two foods I don't like are 1) "American mustard" (French's mustard, or as you call it, "yellow mustard"), and 2) hard egg yolks (runny is fine). Oh, and too much liver can turn my stomach. I used to order it in restuarants in Europe where I couldn't read the menus and just picked the cheapest meat item, yuck.

What are your favorite foods? Buttermilk pancakes would be my second favorite breakfast food. My dad has a special recipe, so I eat them whenever I visit home.

What sort of book would you write?

I'm interested to find out what other charms you have (besides your good looks).

Take care,

Okay... bidirectionality of time??? I should find that very scary! Although the rest was pretty cute and harmless...

Catching Up

Tue, 04 May 2004 18:31:01 GMT

So it's been almost five months since I last decided to write... and I have lots to fill in. Today at lunch Nuria (a visiting fellow) remarked that my dating complaints were sooo funny that she wanted to bring a dictaphone to lunch. So maybe I have some good material again...

The thing is that back in late January I put myself on match.com. To preface that, I'm very skeptical of online dating... yeah someone might be perfect on paper, but the chemistry is so unpredictable. Really I think I'm pretty picky... but it was snowing outside and I'd been on zero dates since September. I was home watching too much HBO Signature and I didn't have any potential love interests to daydream about. Now that my downstairs neighbors had gotten wireless (and the signal is strong in every room in my house) I could feed both my TV addiction and my craving for flirtations with available men at the same time from the comfort of my couch... no makeup necessary. So surfing the internet I realized that there are easily 15 pages of eligible men within 10 miles of me! There had to be a few datable ones! Of course lots had never finished college or were separated with children... but even ruling those out... there were still easily 50-75 men to choose from. So after a night of agonizing about my profile... I just posted it... The main thing I hate about it are my pics... I'm not photogenic. I turn heads on occasion... so really I'm not ugly... but I look MUCH better in person. Anyway... the search began. The first email I got seemed pretty good. Nice guy named Greg. He poked fun at my height requirements... saying he's not quite 6'0'' in the opening line. My profile stated that guys under 5'10'' need not apply. Which I guess I didn't realize was shallow. I just thought honest... I'm 5'10'' and have never been physically attracted to guys smaller than myself. So I figured I'd save everyone some time and hassle. But apparently that comment is equivalent to guys writing flat chested girls need not apply. Anyway... Greg and I emailed back and forth for maybe a week and then decided to have coffee. I was dreading the meeting... not at sure the week of email had been worth it... but slightly hopeful. Well, Greg, although very nice, was not quite my size... and he kept saying "you'd love my data".... what???? Well it actually made sense in context... I'm getting my PhD in biostatistics and he works with databases at a major local hospital but still! So I'm a PhD student in applied stats... I'm not that dorky! Well maybe a little bit but I certainly don't flaunt it. So poor Greg was pretty much out... b/c I am really quick to judge. Now I was back to weeding through emails from more dorky weirdos... Nothing that I felt making any effort for... and three weeks went by with no dates... the $25/month fee wasn't paying off. Especially if I continued to be negative and lazy.

So one wednesday night in early February my co-worker Laura came over to watch the Bachelorette with me... btw I'm addicted to terrible reality TV as if I didn't already have enough brain numbing habits. Not something I'm proud of... After the show, we were commiserating about our nonexistent love lives and overcome with honesty I admitted my brief dabble in online dating. Intrigued Laura mentioned that one of her guy friends is on match and encourages me to look him up. So without hesitation I whipped out the computer and found his profile. And he was adorable! Great smile! Great eyes! Good build! Plus major points for listing himself as a liberal and only spiritual instead of adhering to any specific religion. After my die hard Catholic boyfriend whose parents taught NFP (Natural Family Planning) and felt it necessarily to lecture me about it 1 hour after we first met, I have sworn off all religious zealots. So Eric was looking very promising! And I sent him a cute email that I spent a half hour carefully crafting. And he wrote back a long email only 2 hours later!

Ok... this is a 3 month story so I'm going to need brakes... I'll be back shortly with the next installment.

Apologies

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 19:43:38 GMT

I'm getting a little crazy with all the exclamation points. I clearly need to take some deep breaths and consider taking up yoga. Plus I forgot to complain about this bizarre pulsing in my ear... like the zit it's been there for over a week. And although no one can see it... it's starting to make me lose my mind. Erin (my roommate who's in med school) says I might just have a whacked inner ear pressure problem and there's nothing they can do about it. So when I start hearing things we'll know what to blame. One whole entry without an exclamation. I get a pat on the back. Returning to stalking my advisor... which involves checking her office every 5-10 minutes to see if she's returned from her hair appointment so I can unload all my dissertation problems and hope she solves them... ;)